Bad Habits

It might not mean much but I haven’t smoked a cigarette in a week. That’s huge for me. I’m the girls who’s mother leaves buds on a window ledge and I snag them before work. The smallest inconvenience happens and I’m asking someone to bum one. I’m drinking for the night and next thing you know I either smoke one or seven. I’m going to try my hardest to make this week into a month then another month and hopefully long term I’ll be a non smoker. Fingers crossed.



It all starts with that one person. It’s the person that makes you feel on top of the world and makes your heart feel whole. It’s that one person who completes you. You never wanted to look into your future until you felt that kind of magic with them. Next thing you know you’re spending your days day dreaming about a life together and the endless possibilities you’ll share together. I’m sure everyone ends up getting to that place in their life their own way. I spent a great year with you and another two years fighting to hold us together and fighting to tear us apart. Here we are four years later and I feel us falling together into this mess we call love. How’d we get here? What did it take me to realize you’re all I ever wanted, the husband I need, and the father I’d want for my children. It happened because I hit a low I never thought I’d hit. I was never so scared, nervous, anxious, and worried about what my life had ahead for me. You didn’t know you were there for me in a way I needed. You still don’t know how grateful I am to have you even after all the hell I put you through. It’s the unknown that’s good for us.


He’s my one and only. My forever. The person I dream of having a dog, a house, kids and a dream with. He’s someone who I opened completely up to. He knows the ins and the outs of me. He knows what makes me happy, sad, mad and crazy about. He knows my flaws and tries to accept them. We all know I’m going to say but the thing is I don’t want to use that word in this post. We have something so imperfect. We started off as imperfect, fell for each other in such an imperfect way, we continued to love each in an imperfect way and the thing is we’re young we don’t understand how to treat each other. He was ready to learn to treat me through the downs but was I? I wanted to and I still do. Am I crazy for being 22 and being totally obsessed with being with you and being alone. Truth be told I self sabotage myself I had something so imperfect it was perfect that I made it into this beautiful mess I call our love. I’m scared of my future our future your future. We fell inlove so quickly and what if I all I want is to slow down. Enjoy each others company, be there when we need it, still be each others best friend, and have captivating times with each other. I just don’t want to continuously talk about our feelings I say that and we know I’m just referring to myself. We both know we love each other but do we have to say it as much. Its nice to just remind each other every now and then we do. Ease into our futures together. Stop rushing to be perfect and realize we’re better imperfect. Focus on ourselves, be selfish and strive to be our best selves. We can still have us maybe we just try something new.

Kinda a dating rant

Why can’t dating still be like the old days. Invite me to a diner share a burger and a shake with me. Go to a carnival and laugh the whole night on rides. Where guys actually showed interest in you with flowers and sweet gestures. He asked you on dates and wanted to get to know you for you and not your body. Nowadays guys just get straight to the point with cheesy pick up lines to get you in bed. Hey their isn’t anything wrong with that everyone now and then needs/wants a hookup. I think whats even worse than being hit on for sleep is when you have plans with someone to actually get together because you both share the same interest for each other but then the day comes around and you don’t even hear from them. I’m sorry but we’re all grown and I hope mature adults to be able to tell each other “Hey, I’m sorry but I won’t actually be able to hang out today” or “Hey, I’m sorry I don’t think this is going to work” lalalala. We all get the point. Who the hell comes of with the shit about ghosting, zombie, and haunting. I don’t think ladies or gents deserved to be ghosted, zombied, or haunted. Stop being selfish and take the other persons feelings into consideration. I know I’m one that certainly hates telling guys after a few dates I don’t want to see them again but its a shit ton better than not having them to have anything to go off of. If anything you’re helping each other grow off one another. I’m a simple girl who doesn’t like her time and effort being wasted.


I don’t know if its just me but its incredibly hard to build a clientele for yourself. About two years I went to school for esthetics hoping it would make me more money than working retail. HA! Jokes on me I’m still making the same money sometimes less plus I’m not even making vacation pay working full-time. Talk about screwed. I wonder if its the placement in my salon/spa in a mediocre town of East Greenbush known but not known. Maybe its I’m not trying hard enough to get myself out there. Do I post more on social media or hand out business cards more? All I know is if I were to give advice on going to school for esthetics is if you’re comfortable making no more than $20,000 a year this job its totes for you. It sucks when you’re trying to be passionate about something you love but it doesn’t even give you enough to survive. Who knows I could be doing something wrong, feel free to give me tips 🙂

bff breakup

She was my best friend. She helped evolve me into the person that I am today. She showed me a view of the world I’d never seen before. She also broke my heart. I would have preferred a stupid boy to break my heart. She was someone I depended on for happiness, a shoulder to lean on, someone to show me a good time even when I was feeling dark. She was sunshine and the sun hasn’t shined the same since. I never met someone who has ever felt like my other half until I met my twin. I can say so many good things, but we’re both so selfish and to me you won the prize. I was there for you when no one else was through hardship. I literally dropped everything to be your other half, your shoulder to lean on, your good time when all you felt was dark, and your sunshine. Thats where I messed up because you wouldn’t give me the same. I tried not to expect much from you but I did expect you to show me respect. At least respect my wishes. Maybe I’m upset over something stupid, but to me its more than that and I hope someday  you realize that. At the end of the day I’m always thankful I met you and you were a huge part of my life. Thank you for all the memories xo.